Just a Teacher

Trauma can be categorized as acute, chronic and complex. If you are reading this blog, chances are you have had some experience with trauma, know someone who has experienced some, or are just curious about some patterns of behavior you are manifesting that have no explanation...until now.

Acute trauma can occur from a major event such as assault, a natural disaster or personal loss. Chronic trauma takes place over time and can be the result of living through prolonged sexual, mental or physical abuse, domestic violence or neglect, or as a result of war, trafficking or exploitation. Complex trauma takes place when more than one type of trauma has been experienced. Trauma changes the neurons in a developing brain and creates behaviors that are designed to protect individuals from experiencing the pain of the initial abuse. In the case of complex trauma, individuals can change their entire personalities to create barriers from hurtful situations and often times these victims lash out at others as protection from feeling any emotion. A child who may have once been happy and open can turn dark and angry in order to avoid feeling the pain of their experience. This is what happened to me.

As most of you who know me can attest to, I come from a very good family. We are very close and supportive. Things in my home were always good, but outside of that space lurked individuals and scenarios that would forever change me and send me into a dark and lonely place. I got very angry and began to act in ways that were not my true nature. My heart closed off and I began a downward spiral that I am only now recognizing and understanding. I spent years believing that I was worthless and had no purpose or value. That all changed when I was asked about my plans for my future by a gifted psychologist. My answer started with explaining what other people wanted me to be. After some continued pressure and questioning I finally blurted out that I wanted to be a teacher-an idea that I immediately regretted because I had never given it any thought. I now see how this has been my calling all along.

You see, life takes twists and turns that are not planned or invited and we end up in situations that require psychological, spiritual and physical repair. Many times we crumble from the weight of it all, see the damage we have done to ourselves and others and in the end see the trauma that was inflicted upon us. The beauty lies in "seeing" it as it really is. Trauma happens to us. No one goes looking for it or deserves it. We do however, blame ourselves for it and make conscious decisions to remain in situations that perpetuate our negative sense of self. When we identify the trauma and how it has changed us we can peel off the layers of self hatred and begin the healing process.

So I became a teacher. Great, but this year something happened. I saw the trauma in children and other adults and knew intuitively that I had been through it myself. I also knew that I could help them heal-because I am healing myself. I am working with students who really need me in school. I am offering them a way to understand themselves and heal without saying a word to them...just providing a space and some ideas on finding their peace, standing in their truth and knowing they can make it to the other side of this. They cannot focus on learning when they are worried about their own survival and safety. This is not altogether a welcome idea in the educational domain, but I am working with students as whole individuals, not just what their test scores describe them as.  The process is working and I feel more alive than I ever have.  I am willing to risk my job in order to address some of the underlying issues these kids cannot even define. I now understand what my purpose is and I am offering it to anyone who needs it.

If you feel like any part of my story is like yours, if you're tired of finding yourself in the same relationships with different people or you're just exhausted from trying to show the world you are fine, just know that I see you. I see you and what you have been through, and I can give you some tools to change your understanding of what happened to you. You can learn to thrive by seeing value in your experience and turning your pain into your greatest gift. Your circumstances made you who you are today but they can also change who you become tomorrow.  You are worth it and I can teach you how.

How betrayal corrodes the image of self

 Let's talk TRAUMA. According to the Crisis Prevention Institute trauma is defined as:

"An event or series of events, an experience or prolonged experiences, and/or a threat or perceived threats to a person’s well-being. The individual’s daily coping mechanisms can be negatively impacted by trauma. Subsequent behavioral responses to daily life may be filtered through this perspective."

It is divided into 3 types.

Acute trauma (Type I)-results from exposure to a single overwhelming event. Examples: Rape, death of a loved one, natural disaster. Characteristics: Detailed memories, omens, hyper-vigilance, exaggerated startle response, misperceptions or overreactions.

Complex trauma (Type II)- results from extended exposure to traumatizing situations. Examples: Prolonged exposure to violence or bullying, profound neglect, home environment, or abrupt removal from an environment with friends or colleagues. Characteristics: Denial and psychological numbing, dissociation, rage, social withdrawal, sense of foreshortened future.

Crossover Trauma (Type III)-results from a single traumatic event that is devastating enough to have long-lasting effects. Examples: Mass casualty school shooting, car accident with fatalities involved, refugee dislocation. Characteristics: Perpetual mourning or depression, chronic pain, concentration problems, sleep disturbances, irritability. 

Betrayal can also cause trauma, regardless of whether the betrayal is delivered or received. Either instance can trigger severe loss of self worth and initiate toxic shame. Toxic shame creates feelings of worthlessness and when combined with a history of childhood trauma can cause a downward negative spiral of self loathing and destructive behavior. This behavior can manifest itself in one or more of the following ways:

*You wear masks to cover your true identity

*You isolate yourself

*You don't express yourself and often denigrate your own skills and gifts

*You lie to yourself and others

*You have low self-esteem and self-sabotage

The combination of betrayer/betrayal receiver and an existing history of trauma creates a constant belief of unworthiness and negative self talk that can derail any positive movement toward forgiveness and wholeness, as well as create self-sabotaging reactions to opportunities for growth. Many times individuals never reach their true potential until they identify, forgive, ask for forgiveness and work toward finding value in their life.

As a survivor of trauma and educator my most important contribution to the world is to take what I know about trauma, help others to identify their own traumatic events, and assist them on a path toward healing and forgiveness. My hope is that I can give you the tools to accomplish this and learn to see yourself in a new light...your individual light, and fulfill your own purpose. 

If you see yourself in this message and are ready to take the next steps toward healing you may PM me on my facebook page

facebook.com/alleycatarts

or via email

What voice drives you?

Have you ever had a really great idea for something and heard that voice in your head try to talk you out of it? It will come up with a million reasons why it can't be done. This might not be the right time, you're too old-or young, it's too expensive, you don't have the right credentials, etc. The list is infinite and personal.

There is another voice that we rarely acknowledge that breathes life into those great ideas, but we tend to ignore it. Why is that? Where do these ideas come from? What if this voice became so loud and bothersome that it demanded your attention?

We are creatures with access to powers larger than our physical experience can comprehend. We get flashes of genius that are designed specifically for us, yet we dismiss the calling because of fear and doubt. FEAR and DOUBT. We have no problem giving them full reign in our experience, but faith in ourselves and in our Creator gets pushed to the back burner. FAITH in the belief that we are in the right place at this moment. FAITH that we are perfect by design. FAITH that we are here to do great things, and most importantly FAITH that we will have everything we need to accomplish our every dream when we march headlong into it.

Faith requires us to identify these voices and make a conscious choice-a mental shift-to a new perspective. Consider that both voices are present but it is our choice to turn the volume of each up or down. Turning the positive volume up begins with focusing on the good in our life, on how far we have come and finding peace in the knowledge that the universe is here to support us. Our Creator has given us these ideas for a reason...we must have faith to trust the journey.

The lies we tell ourselves

Who are we, really? A mixed bag of skin and bones landing in a random family with random siblings in a random place? Are we born to grow into societal norms and limiting beliefs? Maybe we come from a Magnificent place and through social and familial conditioning shrink ourselves into bodies that grow, then age and rot, never realizing that we were meant for so much more. If we are lucky and have the wisdom to question our purpose on earth we get a chance to explore other scenarios. But first we have to deconstruct what we have come to believe is true.

There is a theory that we are humans having a spiritual experience, which would explain how we are created, learn right from wrong, experience karmic repercussions, and eventually have to pay for sins we commit in this life. The negative side of this is a basic understanding that we must learn how to behave...that we are somehow flawed in the beginning and require guidance or worse yet-punishment. This punishment is determined by individuals who, by no fault of their own, are just as flawed as we are.

Another theory espouses that we come as energy, spirits, souls-pick your verbiage, having a human experience. In this scenario we are pure and made in the image of God. We are Fantastical beings cramped into skin, blood and sinew acquiring insecurities and negative vibrations. In many cases these experiences can continue for decades, interweaving and layering upon itself until any spark of Splendor is extinguished.

In either case the outcomes are similar. Many individuals find that they live with belief systems that do not allow for supernatural feats or miracle making; they cannot believe that the power lies within them. Still others spend their lives decoding layers of guilt and shame heaped upon them by the judgment of others. They struggle with the internal negative dialogue that keeps them from living their best life.

Taking the time to listen to the lies we tell ourselves in this dialogue brings perspective to both scenarios. Once we identify the lies, they can be altered and recreated in a positive format that can be programmed into a new belief system. This process creates room for expansion and growth and over time allows healing of the sacred God-filled self, producing miracles of each of us.

Banishing fear

In my constant quest for reinvention my thoughts continue to gravitate toward higher levels of expression. I have always harbored ideas of writing a book(s) about growing up in a large and fun loving family. I have even had the title for several years now along with all the character names. I have also been prompted to develop an artist journey workbook for adolescents. So what is stopping me? Fear of the unknown, for one.

Through my soul searching and self discovery I have been learning to quiet my mind and listen to that soft, small voice and lean into His wisdom. Having said that, I only feel comfortable leaning as far as I think I am capable. This is an admission of doubt and faithlessness that I am ashamed to admit. How could I possibly write children's books? Where do I start? Slowly the answers are being presented to me.

This morning I was inspired to write my goals down and ask the universe for help. Nothing really happens until we commit to writing, saying, stating, praying it-the actual words of the things we want.  Marc Allen, author of The Magical Path suggests this format for stating our intentions:
"In an easy and relaxed manner, in a healthy and positive way, in its own perfect time, for the good of all I pray_____________."

I believe that we all have spiritual prompts that we manage to ignore due to fear of looking foolish or feelings of inadequacy. True faith requires that we forge ahead despite those fears. Ideas that form in our minds are legitimate visions of what we are called to do on our individual paths. So here goes...

In an easy and relaxed manner, in a healthy and positive way, in its own perfect time, for the good of all I pray that I get the information and support I need to develop an interactive coloring book to use in my elementary classes as a tool to offer positive, alternative options to students who use anger as a defense mechanism.

and...

In an easy and relaxed manner, in a healthy and positive way, in its own perfect time, for the good of all I pray that my experiences lead me to individuals who can help me facilitate the creation of a series of short stories based on my life in a loving family, in the hopes that these will provide a written history of my family's love and dedication to each other.

and...

In an easy and relaxed manner, in a healthy and positive way, in its own perfect time, for the good of all I pray that these endeavors along with my teaching career provide my immediate family with an appropriate income and opportunity to influence individuals to seek a higher path or understanding, while strengthening my faith in all that is possible for each of us.

There you have it universe. Let's get to work! What are you being prompted to do? How could you be an instrument for the betterment of the world? Find your faith. Share your story. Write it down and start walking your path. It was designed for you alone.

Endless Possibilities

Choosing a new life and future has its challenges. Many old behaviors, friends and habits have to go. On the bright side, much can be gained from walking headlong into the unknown.  Establishing trust in the knowledge that one is on the right path that he/she was created to travel requires many (for me anyway) years trying to do it alone...and ultimately failing. Let's face it, there are numerous voices in our head speaking irreverently in our ear about our faux strengths and weaknesses and we sometimes spend years listening to them.

One time I entertained the idea of being an art teacher. I wanted to have a job with benefits and summers off. I never really thought much more about it until I graduated and was hired for a Title 1 school that had a severely disadvantaged population. Then I met the kids, who melted my heart. I now understand that this is part of my path. I know these kids. I am these kids in some ways. They respond to me. They listen to me. They look for me, other teachers and adults to guide them because sometimes they can't see a different future for themselves. My job has grown from teaching art to inspiring them to consider the possibilities for their lives.

It is interesting that these revelations are opening up to me at this stage of my life. I feared that I was too old to begin a new career. I am adjusting, tweaking and improving the probability that I will have many years to explore and grow on this new path. Every day I entertain the idea that I am here to do so much more with my life. I see my friends retiring and I wonder if I've lived my life in reverse like Benjamin Button. It doesn't matter though. What matters is that I rarely hear those old voices in my head telling me I can do this and I can't do that. Instead I dream of endless possibilities. Perhaps I can inspire kids and people of all ages to start looking at their potential in ways they could never imagine. Maybe I can promote a movement of ageless contribution, or inspire a child to become more than they believed they ever could, or develop a new learning strategy-the inspirations are endless.

What have you been thinking about doing but the voices say "you're too____________?" I bet you have more than one word to insert here. Think about how fun it would be to try a little piece of it! I never thought I could ever "blog."  Who would want to read what I have to say? Maybe someone might. Maybe you needed this blog today or know someone who might. Please share it if you like. Look at me-I'M BLOGGING!!!

Reinvention after ?

In an attempt to find my highest purpose I am relaunching my blogging attempt. Previously it was written to promote art classes,  creative opportunities and the like. Today I am deciding to create a space for reflection, growth and reinvention.

It is a good time to be a mature woman. Previous generations of women had little or no opportunity to follow their dreams as young females, let alone make huge shifts in their life choices after a certain age. This breaks my heart. How many women took their incredible gifts with them to the grave? How many contributions were lost because they were shackled by unwritten stereotypes of what "older" women were supposed to do?

All of us have spent time putting ourselves second to the needs of others-there is no shame in that. The issue lies in believing that we don't deserve to value ourselves or look for opportunities to support each other in our attempts to crawl forward from that space. We have something to offer this world and we had better set about putting it out there, regardless of what it looks like to others.

So, here is my proposal...let's actively throw caution to the wind, pull up our big girl pants, and create a space for any and all ideas to be nurtured. Let's create a place for collaboration and growth. Let's write a play, paint intuitively, gather in support of each other and live as our sacred selves.

You may think that this is impossible or at least far fetched. All I know is that I have had too many years of self doubt to count and I am looking toward  the years I have left. I have something to say. I was born to do great things. You do too. This blog is a stretch for me. It's taken me a week to put my ideas down for fear of rejection and self-doubt. That's okay. I will gain confidence as I go. My writing will improve. I will grow. I will become.

I look forward to sharing  my ideas and deepest thoughts with you in the hope that I can foster a community of big thinkers and dream makers. My goal is somewhat selfish too.  Writing this will be a documentation of my process of self reflection and personal growth. I can look back on my life and see how all the pieces fit so perfectly together to create who I have become so far. That's great. My goal is to forge headlong into the unlimited possibilities of the future, without holding anything back.

If you have ever considered this, won't you join me? Can you imagine what we could do? I CAN!!!